Depression
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Cell Block Tango, Chicago
Wow this is depressing today, I feel more alone than anything else. I mean when you think about it...one of my best friends is moving half way across the globe soon. One person doesn't even seem to care that I love him....
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE? It's turned into HELL!


Sometimes I think I can't stand much more of life, I mean my mother just seems to bear down on me so much now and then and then there is the whole thing with be alone and single, and the people who take joy out of reminding that I am. I hate being alone and it's really starting to bite into me...tearing me apart, limb from limb..I wish that sometimes that I wasn't alone. I get so depressed about the loneliness factor..I really don't know what would happen if I suddenly just lost all common sense.

I am both afraid and look forward to the day when I lose it...when darkness rises and takes a hold of me. fear and joy..an unlikely combination.

and just went I thought that things would actually go well...it was just a voice in the fog waiting to drop me into a pit and be skeward with the pain of being alone, of being ignored..and leaving me to slowly die.

I feel as though I die just a bit at a time.

Maybe..some day I will leave this world completely and find a sanctuary elsewhere.

X_X
Mood:  sad
I don't think anyone reads either of my blogs anymore...xanga or tblog..hell I think the tblog account closed mine because i haven't used it in so long..I'll make another one if that is the case. Like that it mattrs, no one really reads my rants anyway..not like anyone cares. All these are good for are digital rant books.

If you think about it...I've been allowed to date for a year now, I haven't had one, I haven't had anyone ASK ME.
I'm not meant to have a companion...Maybe i should just melt alone in the darkness and hope I die sometime soon..the world would be better without me.

It's something like that..that I said a while back that kinda scared my friend Nick, I now and then walk from Mcdonalds to Joann's fabric store, which is a twenty minute walk, a good 5 or 6 of those minutes is done on a nearly desserted road, if anyone decided to kill or rape me...there would be nothing to stand in their way..but that doesn't scare me at all. the things I should be afraid of, I'm not...but what is stupid and irrational to fear, I do. Odd yes?

There are times when I just wish...that I could be alone out in the darkness like that..and then there are times when I wish I could share it with someone. The things you can see in pitch blackness...the lights in the skies are beautiful...but yet..no one would even care to share them with me. It's one of the most beautiful things in the world, not something you see in a city, even a small one, that often.

There are times when I cry and sob on the inside, while smiling on the outside, watching other people be close.I just feel so hurt and alone...after the whole thing with my previous boyfriend, it makes me think I should have stuck to my philosophy of "dating is vastly overrated"...then maybe I wouldn't have had the 2 weeks straight of nothing but depression.
it's hard sometimes, to not cry, but to just watch people...it's what I'm good at, watching them and living in a world that is safe for me. A world where I'm not ignored, a world where my parents are happy that I'm passing in all my classes, a world where someone actually loves me...but all of that is a fantasy...that sometime I'll actually have to wake up from...
I have to go sleep....
...
..
.
talk later tomorrow.
bye.

Dien Welt
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Tetsujin-Matrix Revolutions
Tetsujin

eh..life is crap right now..I'm sick...though I did find a DECENT blog..that I can add music to..or save up for stuff..I can always add my own banners...owning a blog is nice. I will keep my tblog going...call this a secrect blog if you will. Only for those who know me *sighs*
The title of my blog, is in German it translates to "black sun" which I love the E Nomine song title Schwarze Sonne. Great german techno...The title of this post Dien Welt is in german too..I think it means your land or something like that..either that or it's the Latin part I can't find a translator for. X_X spootiness..you'd think someone would make a LATIN translator online..*shakes head* I'll have to talk to Nathan about it. He's the programmer of my circle of techy friends. Who are they? Well if your one of them you might want to read this..just to see my point of view. :D

Danielle S.-is she ever fun...she's awesome and can make me laugh or be weirded out with a twitch of a nose.

Danielle L.-one word..funny and scary...okay that's two..but anyways..she is a great halo player..though she does kill her teammates...so note the safety on the guns. XD

Nick B.- or commonly known as "SQRL" wonderful person..probably one of the few that makes me feel like I belong in that school..heck the world..he makes me feel like I belong in the world. Spacey now and then..but you gotta love him.

Nathan P.-Techie, weird...funny....fun to poke, prod,(kick if necessary) he's a hoot to put it mildly. Also..a great fountain of info...and he does do work at his station..me thinks he does...I'm pretty sure I've seen him work

Frank(Misha) N.-Misha...is Misha. He is awesome, he is cool....he is Misha..what more can I say. I can't find words to describe him.. He's just...awesome. Awesome doesn't even do justice.*kicks herself for lackage of words*

Laura B.-NEATNESS TO THE NIFTY! Laura is awesome and one of those few special people in the world that makes me feel like I belong. She is weird and psycho and funny...she is cool.

Rachael K.-Rachael is Rachael...what can I say...she is fun...loves all things harry potter and is RACHAEL! w00t!
Another one of those few special people.

Scott M.-I haven't been able to talk to him in awhile, but an awesome person nonetheless. I miss him alot. He had alot of good insight and was just cool. I wish he was online more, but I suppose he's working out stuff with himself..I wish him the best.

Cecillia (I don't know her last name)- She is neat, psycho...want's a crossbow..yeah I'm not handing her one yet...she's neat and nifty and cool.

Dustin S.-Dustin is neat...he is just there...though he does startle me now and then(okay alot) that's only due to my paranoia. which I need to get over...anyhoos.. Dustin is neat...one of the almighty peoples of 3Dmax, which is a MAJOR HELP to me..PRAISE DUSTIN!

that's all I can think of for now...I realize there are problaby alot of spelling errors and people I've missed..but no worries..I'll fix them all eventually.

I got my hair cut today, and I bought red colored styling gel, it'll temporarily dye my hair red where it's applied..I'm thinking of doing the tips tomorrow or streaking it. Not sure exactly..but it'll be awesome. Now that my hair is short again, I can do more stuff with spiking it..than it was when it was longer..I got about 2 or 3 inches cut off!

Also for skillsUSA my partner(nick) and I have to give this presentation on our so called 'planned out' life that we made. We chose a house, a car, and a job and see if we made enough money.. we both had about 5K left, at the end of each month after taxes, bills n' such. we can expand the house if we want...heck we have PORCHE! a USED 98 PORCHE BOXTER! *shakes head* I am a thrifty shopper.

I wish my cold would go away.
I love randomness...
I love FMA


Hmmm being as I can do stuff with the Tripod and Geocities sites I own..I bet Brandi, Nick and I can do the anime newsletter we wanted to do...only over the net..maybe get writers for colums. hmm...

W00t...Imma go now..ttyl.
-Amystica